Are you cooperative and collaborative type of person or do you always do your own thing and show up when it's convenient for you and do what you feel like? When you do show up are you prepared, willing, and have a good can do attitude? Do you show up on time and prepared to your best of your ability and with an open mind and a commitment to do your best? Or do you show up with a foul attitude, unprepared, not willing to share your time and talent and treasure and unwilling to pitch in and do your best and do what is asked? It's easy to do your own thing. It takes real effort to move towards patterns of cooperation and collaboration. And changing behavior takes small steps. First you crawl and then you walk and then you run.
Why this post? For the past fifteen years I have been a caretaker for my elderly and diminishing parents. My father had Alzheimer's Disease and before he died he finally forgot to eat. Anyway, it was a long downward path from Dad's diagnosis until succumbing to death from the disease. And then after dad's death mom fell and broke her hip and never had a full recovery. The worst thing for me about dad's and mom's aging and declining health and well being was the response and lack of any support from most of my siblings. I come from a large family. God gave us each other and gave us a special bond as family. That should be a great blessing in my life. I think of the Kennedys and all the sisters who were smart enough, pretty enough, educated enough, had enough money to be president yet understood in their time and age the brothers could be President of the United States and they could have a real part of things but what they needed to do was hit the campaign trail, eat chicken and step in the cattle auction ring that had the largest crowd in town when no one showed up at the campaign rally. I would love to have siblings like that more often.
I do understand if you live a longer distance away that the issue of time and transportation and money are real factors in your ability to help take care of a person who needs care and is no longer totally able to care for them self. I do understand that you have a family, job, home and everything else in your life that you have. SO DO I! OH? What I fail to understand is your denial, lack of empathy, and selfishness. Really, when you come and visit and the grass on the lawn is too tall you cannot spare two hours and mow the lawn? You operate heavy farm equipment for a living; but, you can't get your rear on a riding lawn mower and mow the parent's lawn once because you think that it's someone else job and somehow they are going to be offended to have break just once ever. You won't be there next week or next month or maybe ever. Just do it - are you really so unable to make a correct thought and put things into actionable and doable items and give two hours of your time once and really help out in a real way instead of having the grass grow taller so that the next time the sibling who mows can bag and rake up the grass that got to tall?
Also, here is another point - all people have things they enjoy. Many time it's just little things like a favorite candy or flower or ice cream flavor. Yes, it takes a little more time to purchase the person who requires care favorite and send a small amount twice or more during the year then sending something at Christmas time. Your sibling who lives closer and does more of the care giving really could use and would probably welcome your support provided it comes from a place of love and duty and not some sort of shame and guilt. You could really help out by getting behind and supporting in any way the care giver including starting with letting them make a great deal of decisions and you supporting those decisions. And the people closest and doing the care giving get to make the decisions. You need to do the supporting. You don't get to make the decision. Heck, you won't even try to communicate effectively from my point of view. You need to start by doing what is asked, and do it exactly in the manner that the care giver requested. When there is a event, party or occasion like a birthday party you could make a real effort just to show up. Yes, it takes a lot of effort to just show up at a time and place that is not most convenient to you but it's really not about you. It's really about your elderly parent right now. And like children, elderly parents don't wait and most of the time need more care when it is least convenient.
I get it that if you do not visit, do nothing and call when it's convenient for you - especially at dinner time on a holiday - you get to say Mom or Dad is fine. Well, mom and dad are fine because someone else is taking care of Mom and Dad. It's fun to go skiing instead of coming to a funeral. It's a lot funnier to purchase lift tickets then to pay for funeral flowers. It's great to buy designer clothes for yourself and not ask to see what a parent needs for clothing much less put $20 in the sock and underwear fund. It's easy to say, someone else is supposed to do that and pay for that. It's easy to say I don't have to help out. It's easy to say I have other wants and needs and I should not have to make any sacrifices for my aging parents. I live in a society where that is what is deemed normal and right and good. That is not at all what God says. It's easy to expect that the caregivers are supposed to reach out and beg for your help and then you can be a model of generosity and kindness by buying a cheap box of candy at Christmas instead of sending Mom's favorite candy monthly in a small amount as requested. You have just did what you wanted to do instead of doing what was asked. Then when you do decide to do something what you did only caused problems, resentment and anger.
I GET IT because I DO IT. I HAVE SOME REAL ANGER mostly because the people who are to support me most have failed me the MOST. Here's and example - mom's last birthday, I was going to buy mom flowers. I love buying flowers for anyone because I love flowers. However, a couple from my mom's church got flowers for my mom. I said the flowers were beautiful and took them to mom. I did not buy mom flowers because it would have been too many flowers.Instead I made the cake and purchased ice cream and drove two hours and coordinated a small party. Any of you could have said I will send a cake or candles or flowers or even took the time to get a birthday card on time to mom. I am glad others bought mom flowers. I bought mom some great candles for the top of the cake I made. It was great. That is being cooperative and not having to compete.
My siblings cause real issues in my relationship with my spouse. And they just don't get it or make any effort to even try to understand anything (like why my Mom's cell phone bill is charged to my credit card). I come visit mom, I don't need mom to have a cell phone to call me. Isn't it nice my mom has a phone when you call that she can talk to you when you find it convenient to call? How does a mother just get a cell phone? I would like to think if the roles were reversed and my mother showed up with a cell phone and she she can't go out shopping, does not have a credit card or surf the net that I would at least inquire how mom got the phone, how much it costs and how it is being paid. It's real easy just to assume mom has a magical free cell phone. Another real issue about the cell phone is that it is one thing my mother really enjoys. As such I suck it up and pay her cell phone bill and make sure it works including driving the 120+ one way miles for the only reason to enter the codes in the phone needed to re-activate it after spending 8 hours on the phone trying to figure out why mom's phone is not working. When you call the next day Mom's phone was working and she talked to you and you never even thought what some other sibling is doing to keep mom's phone on. When you tell me you don't know that I pay for mom's cell phone I am shocked. You don't make any effort to ask, listen or contribute.
In all fairness once in the past fifteen years some of sibling have at Christmas contributed to mom's clothing fund as mom refuses to spend money on clothes as she may not wear them out as mom says. Mom has always had clothing issues. I don't know why nor do I care why nor could I understand the clothing issue. Here's the deal - How would you like to care for someone who has no clothes to put on, clothes that do not fit, clothes that are not suitable for an invalid when doing your job? I buy mom's clothing mostly so the people who take care of mom on a daily basis can do their job easier and not have to be resentful that mom never has any clothes to put on and I am supposed to get her dressed as part of my job. Every time Mom took a short rehab stay before permanently entering long term care I purchased mom new clothes. None of you even inquired if mom had the items needed for her to go to rehab and suitable clothing.
This is just a few examples, because it goes on and on and on and in the end all the issues of sibling when you were growing up in the dysfunctional family (and all families have some dysfunction) come up and take you back to a personal place of pain and hurt. As a child, you had to tolerate your family and you were held together by parents. As an adult I don't have those rules or constraints. Many times I say I have siblings that I have no relationship with and I deem them as human beings that unfortunately I only know they exist because of an biological accident. Many times, I can not even comprehend that I was raised by the same parents and the values I acquired from my rearing as any of the values I see my siblings living and displaying. I don't care what you say or better excuse you have - you are known by your actions and not your words. Step up and pitch in and help out in real and meaningful manners and ways. How about asking, reaching out, being pro-active, stepping up, doing what is asked and helping out in anyway you can and cooperating and collaborating instead of putting your head in the sand and pretending everything is okay and you can't do anything nor do you have to because you live a longer distance from a parent? Mom and Dad need care everyday, not once or twice a year. Your last justifiable and good excuse seems to be that some other sibling takes care of that and I perceive they have more financial resources and time to.
For the distant family, I don't know what you think that your siblings who have stepped up and taken care of the parents are getting that is unfair? Really do you think Mom and Dad slipped more money in the Christmas cards for us? Why do you think that it is easier for me? Oh, I get it you can't even make an effort to maintain a civil and courteous relationship with your siblings and acknowledge any of your faults and apologize for any of your actions and words that have caused the pain, anger and hurt in your sibling. It's not your job to be the caregiver and you can't do anything - exact words from a sibling. This sediment is also clearly displayed in your actions or lack of action. You lie and say mean and hurtful things and I hear you loud and clear. I don't care if you were mad or hurt or overwhelmed. You said it and did it and you do have control over you mouth and other actions. Most of the time you have less than 1/2 the truth from the place where you judge me from. I am also sick and tired of trying to maintain a relationship of any kind with you. The ball is in your court and you need to play. You just say your sibling is wrong and keep on taking a free ride and doing nothing and do what you want to do and not even try to make things better and keep believing you are so RIGHT when you are so WRONG from my perspective and the God I worship standard. You are called to honor you mother and father. As part of this command, I tolerate you doing nothing, not helping, your nastiness, resentment and your lack of cooperation and collaboration. I also know that my birth family and how it has shuck out is not the way I want the family I created to be and I am doing everything within my power not to pass this on. I do have the power to stop repeating bad patterns of behavior in my family and seek changes for future generations.
In my blessing department I have siblings who in every sense of the word and deed have been true siblings and real brothers and sisters and partners and friends and have stood by me and been on my side about taking care of mom and dad. I have been there for them and they have been there for me and I have known and had the love from siblings that I want. I can count on them and trust them and for that I am truly grateful. I have also had family step up and do things as asked and this does make a difference. Do what you can and start communicating and do what is asked and let the past be the past.
